A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
---Milton Berle

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: I apologize and You are right. (Guys take note!)

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:
1 - Women, and 2 - Fractions.

When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled, Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Marriage–a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters written in prose.

A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once.

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.

I fell in love at first sight… I should have looked twice.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays

The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.

I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!'

....and she's always sound asleep.

The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your own."

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

  As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.

For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the rest of the doilies."

John: "I'm a man of few words."

Joe: "I'm married, too."

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist:
"We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

 

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

 

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.  -  Kimberley Broyles First Fight

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what am I going to do with the BODY?"

  

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend."I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me." 

Jack was soon going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. Jack's father said, "Jack, let me tell you something.  On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.'"

Jacks father continued, "So, she did and replied, 'These are too big, I can't wear these pants.'  So I replied to your mother, 'Exactly.  I wear the pants in this family and I always will."'

"Ever since that night we have never had any problems," concluded Jack's father.

"Hmmm," Jack said in reply.  He thought his father's suggestion might be a good thing to establish on that day of new beginnings.

So on, his honeymoon Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, "Here, try these on." So she did and said, "These are too large, Jack.  They don't fit me..." Jack replied, "Exactly.  I wear the pants in this family and I always will.  I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack, as she said, "Here, you try on mine!"

As she requested, he tried them.  "I can't get into your pants," Jack said with a question in his tone.

Jill replied, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

One weekend four married guys went golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place.First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said, 'Don't forget your sweater.'"